LOTR Mail Service
by Enchanted Authoress
Summary: Middle-earth has discovered how fun writing letters can be. "Dear Aragorn," Legolas wrote, scribbling on a piece of parchment, "I think I'm going mad. Why else are a bunch of giggling girls following me everywhere I go?" NO SLASH.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Hey, everyone! *waves *  
Review if you value my sanity.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _The Lord of the Rings._

* * *

**Treebeard**  
**Fangorn Forest**  
**11023 Middle-earth**  
**Arda**

Dear Treebeard,

Help! There's a mad Dwarf in the forest waving a bloody axe in my second cousin's face! Our lives are in mortal peril! Save us, Treebeard! Make the Dwarf pay, and quick!

Distressed,  
_~Tree_

* * *

**Tree**  
**Forest**  
**11017 Middle-earth**  
**Arda**

Dear Mr. Tree,

Help is on the way ASAP.

Sincerely,  
_~Treebeard_

* * *

**Glóin**  
**[Forwarded to Rivendell]**  
**02448 Middle-earth**  
**Arda**

Dear Mr. Glóin,

You have chosen to forward all expenses of Master Gimli's credit card(s) to your address. In accordance to your wishes, we have forwarded your son Gimli's hospital bill to your current residence in Imladris, as you have informed us that you would be staying in Imladris for some days for a "friendly gathering." If you would like to change the address of your current residence, write to us at 00017 Middle-earth and send us your signature with the new address.

You will find Master Gimli's hospital bill enclosed in the letter.

Thank you for using our services,  
_~The Arda Credit Card Department_

* * *

**Gimli**  
**[Forwarded to Rivendell]**  
**02448 Middle-earth**  
**Arda**

Dear Mr. Gimli,

It might have come to your attention that you have overtaxed the maximum limits that your ME-rican Express card allowed. We have sent you the details of your most recent purchases in this letter. This letter has been forwarded to Rivendell, where your guardian and father Master Glóin is currently residing in. To renew your contacts with the Mountain Credit Card Company, we recommend you arrange a meeting with the officials immediately. We sincerely hope that you will heed our advice.

_[ENCLOSED BILL]_

_**Gimli**_  
_**Manwë's Hospital For All-Purpose Healings**_  
_**05730 Middle-earth**_  
_**Arda**_

_Internal bleeding … $310.00_  
_Fractured kneecap(s) … $ 77.99_  
_Blood poisoning … $ 219.99_  
_Cracked skull … $ 200.00_  
_Psychological disorders … $ 293. 99_  
_Total cost … $ 1101.97_

_~Arda Hospital Department_

Thank you for using our services,  
_~The Arda Credit Card Department_

* * *

**Gimli**  
**Manwë's Hospital For All-Purpose Healings**  
**05730 Middle-earth**  
**Arda**

Gimli,

You are_ so _dead. One thousand dollars? Wait until your mother hears about this.

I'm waiting,  
_~Glóin_

* * *

**Glóin**  
**Rivendell**  
**02448 Middle-earth**  
**Arda**

Father,

Chill. It's only, like, one thousand dollars. And do you think I wanted to get mugged by all those crazy trees? It wasn't my choice. I was just holding my axe in case this evil wizard was lurking by and the Elf and the Ranger told me to lower my axe, but I didn't, and then all of a sudden a bunch of trees jumped on me. Aragorn and Legolas ran screaming in the opposite direction. I never knew they could run so fast, even when we were off chasing orcs.

Your loving son,  
_~Gimli_

P.S.: I didn't know I had a mother.

_~Gimli_

* * *

**Gimli**  
**Manwë's Hospital For All-Purpose Healings**  
**05730 Middle-earth**  
**Arda**

Dear Gimli,

OMG, are you, like, OK? I heard from a friend of mine who works in Manwë's Hospital that you got maimed pretty severely. Said you were muttering about ninja trees (what r ninjas?) when they brought you in. I'm so sorry I couldn't hang around to help you (can't say the same for Legolas, of course), but I was just so creeped out by those trees. Are you OK?

_~Aragorn_

* * *

**Aragorn**  
**The Road**  
**99999 Middle-earth**  
**Arda**

Aragorn,

Seriously, I'm fine. Tell that friend of yours to shut his mouth, or I'll be shutting it for him. I have to be in the ward for a few more weeks, but I really _am_ fine. And who says I was hallucinating? I'm not afraid of a bunch of _weeds_. Bring it on.

In fact, I was wondering if _you_ were okay. You don't sound at all like yourself. Did you write the last letter yourself, or did a giggling maiden do it for you? Sure looks like it. I think it's high time you had a checkup of your own. The doctors here at the hospital are generous enough, except for the no-drinks policy.

_~G._

* * *

**Gimli**  
**Manwë's Hospital For All-Purpose Healings**  
**05730 Middle-earth**  
**Arda**

Gimli,

Forget I sent that letter. For your information, yes, I wrote that letter myself…but no one has to know about _that_. I hope you understand how important these petty little things can be to a future king. If anyone ever discover that *cough* I sent you, the paparazzi will be all over me saying that a king who writes like an uneducated child isn't fit to rule, and then I'll have to step down from the throne and go into hiding. _Comprehend?_

Our rendezvous point is Fangorn Forest. And this time, please keep your axe hidden. Legolas was…er…"pissed" about having fled from one of his favorite forests while he was screaming his head off. He's not talking to you (what a relief!). That really was quite amusing, though…. Don't tell him I said this.

~Destroy this letter,  
_Aragorn_

P.S.: And don't sign your letters with a G. That's what Gandalf does, and from what I know of him, he'll set an avalanche on you for plagiarizing his rights or whatever.

I hope you don't forget to destroy this,  
_~Aragorn_

* * *

**Aragorn**  
**The Road**  
**99999 Middle-earth**  
**Arda**

Aragorn,

You can be _so_ weird sometimes.

_~Gimli_

* * *

Reviews and feedback are always appreciated, thank you!

**~Enchanted Authoress**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thanks to all those who reviewed! You guys made my day, thanks XD  
Also, could any of you perhaps read my other LotR story, _Welcome to ME High_? *wink wink*

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _The Lord of the Rings_.

* * *

**Gandalf  
Wherever You Are  
99998 Middle-earth  
Arda**

Dear Gandalf,

Where are you? We've been attacked by these creepy guys in black, and Frodo's been stabbed. He's moaning and groaning and I don't think I can stand it for another two minutes. This guy, your friend Strider, isn't much help. All he did when he found out Frodo was injured was throw a bunch of smelly weeds in boiling water and clean Frodo's wound with 'em. Not very tactful, if you ask me. (Sam tells me to add that he doesn't like Strider much either.)

We need you, so come quickly, before Frodo drops dead or whatever.

Hurry up!_  
~Pippin_

* * *

_WARNING THIS LETTER HAS BEEN RETURNED TO THE SENDER STOP DO NOT READ MAY CONTAIN IMPLICIT MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN STOP RETURNED TO SENDER STOP DO NOT READ STOP WARNING STOP STOP DO NOT CONTINUE STOP_

**Peregrin Took  
Weathertop  
33009 Middle-earth  
Arda**

Oh, hobbit, you did NOT just send me that letter.

Do you even have an inkling of what I've gone through the last few days? For your information, I've been imprisoned by a psychopath wizard (whose tower can use a bit of scrubbing), I've been "rescued" by a friendly eagle who doesn't know what a speed limit is (nearly poked out my eyeballs when I threw up in his face), and now I'm in Rivendell replying to your stupid letter while Elrond wiggles his ridiculous eyebrows in my direction. And you have the guts to write to me and tell me to "come quickly?" I'll make you pay for this, you dirty little, you rotten little, you—

_* The rest of the letter has been censored due an unfortunate accident involving the postmaster collapsing when he read the remainder of Gandalf's "letter."_

* * *

**Gandalf  
Rivendell  
02448 Middle-earth  
Arda**

Mithrandir,

I'm disappointed in you. We didn't appoint you just so you could go around yelling at poor defenseless little hobbits and throwing the Arda postmaster into unconsciousness. Who taught you to swear like that, anyway? Not that I'm jealous of your impressive knowledge of cuss words, anyway. Tulkas knows far more of them than you, and so do I.

But do tell me, what in Arda does **** mean? Send the answer to me via Quickbeam-mail, because that way Yavanna or Mandos can't get their hands on your reply. They've been going through my drawers and peeking at all my letters. I have half a mind to report them to Ilúvatar. What do you think?

_~Manwë Sullimo_

* * *

**Arwen Undómiel  
Rivendell  
****02448 Middle-earth  
Arda**

Dearest Arwenne,

Love. I remember you with love.

With lots of love,_  
~Aragorn_

* * *

**Aragorn  
The Road  
99999 Middle-earth  
Arda**

Dear Aragorn,

Do I know you?

Sincerely,  
_~Undómiel _

P.S.: "Arwen" is spelled A-R-W-E-N, not A-R-W-E-N-N-E.

_~Undómiel_

* * *

**Legolas  
Mirkwood the Great  
107655 Middle-earth  
Arda**

Dear Legolas,

I hate your guts.

Best wishes,  
_~Gimli_

* * *

**Gimli  
[Forwarded to Rivendell]  
02448 Middle-earth  
Arda**

Dear Gimli,

That was a disgusting letter that you sent me. What do you mean, you hate my "guts?" What did my poor guts ever do to you? For that matter, do you even know what the normal ellon's insides look like? I bet you my bow and quiver that you don't. So keep your nasty little comments to yourself, or I'm telling Aragorn that it was you who rubbed oil all over his boots and made him fall down flat on his face in that battle with Sauron's army.

_~Legolas_

* * *

**Thranduil  
Mirkwood the Great  
107655 Middle-earth  
Arda**

Thranduil,

What is your son's letter doing in my mailbox? And what's this about Estel falling down flat on his face in battle? Do you know anything about it? Not that I care, anyway.

_~Elrond_

* * *

**Elrond  
Rivendell  
02448 Middle-earth  
Arda**

Elrond,

It's _Greenwood,_for Valinor's sake. And I don't know what you're talking about. So Aragorn tripped during battle, hmm? Big deal.

I showed your letter to Legolas, and he agrees with me that there must have been a mistake. It seems to me that my savant son wrote a letter to one of your former guests, a Dwarf with the name of Gimli. My theory is that this Gimli forwarded all his mail to his temporary address in Imladris when he was attending your Council, and he forgot all about it when he returned to his cave, or wherever he lives. Trust a Dwarf to make such a blundering, careless mistake.

_~Thranduil_

* * *

**Thranduil  
Mirkwood the Great  
107655 Middle-earth  
Arda**

Thranduil,

Thank you for your assistance. I believe that your suspicions are correct; that explains why I've been receiving these crazy bills addressed to "Mr. Gimli" for the last few months.

In case you're curious, according to the letters, Mr. Gimli has maxed out his credit card for the ninth time in one year. That doesn't surprise me; he seems to have been drinking enough to. It looks to me as if he's visited _every single bar_ in Gondor and Rohan since he left Imladris.

Wonder who he has for a drinking partner, though? I heard that Dwarves are quite good at holding their liquor, though not as much as us Elves, and from these bills I've received, I'm guessing that he's befriended an Elf. An_ Elf._Can you believe it?

If you have any idea of who Master Gimli's drinking partner is, send me your answer.

_~Elrond_

_* Thranduil thoughtfully chose not to reply to this, as at the very moment he was reading the latest letter Elrond wrote him, Legolas staggered in with Gimli, both of them very drunk and singing an out-of-tune (and quite lousy) drinking song.*_

* * *

Reviews and feedback are always appreciated, thank you!  
**~Enchanted Authoress**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Hey, everyone! *waves madly*  
Thanks to all those who reviewed! Did anyone know that this story has more reviews than ME High now? Chapterwise, I mean ;) And _Welcome to Middle-earth High_ is my precious! *looks horrified*  
Again, please review if you value my sanity, thanks!

(I've stopped replying to all my reviews :((( I keep on getting confused about whom I replied to and whom I didn't, so...yeah...)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _The Lord of the Rings_.

* * *

******Éowyn  
**Rohan  
40127 Middle-earth  
Arda  
  
Dear Éowyn,

Will you marry me?

Love,  
_~Grima_

P.S.: I expect you to stop calling me "Wormtongue" or "Midget" once we're married.

_~Grima_

P.S.2: I hope you're not planning on inviting your moron of a brother to our wedding. That would _so _ruin the reception.

_~Grima_

* * *

**Grima Wormtongue  
Rohan  
40127 Middle-earth  
Arda**

"Dear" Grima,

Shove off.

Oh, and by the way, I told Éomer about your letter. He's coming to get you. He should arrive at your chambers in...oh...ten minutes. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Best regards,  
_~Éowyn_

* * *

**Gandalf**  
**Wherever You Are**  
**99998 Middle-earth**  
**Arda**

Dear Dalfy,

What are you doing these days? I haven't seen or heard from you a long time, Gandalf dear, and I'm missing my favorite wizard :((( Boohoohoo!

I've been thinking about this for a while, and how about we have a nice little wizard's gathering this week, just the two of us in my tower at Isengard? Maybe we can have a quiet smoke together, and maybe we can discuss the recent whereabouts of the One Ring! Oh, and maybe I can overpower you with my awesome magical powers and imprison you in my monster-infested, dank hallways! Aren't you just _so _excited? Huh? Huh?

Don't bring Radagast with you; he can be such a nasty prat sometimes. I want this to be a PRIVATE party. MWAHAHAHAH — oh, sorry, did I really just write that? Whoops! Ignore my Maniac Wizard's Laughter™ for a minute, will you, Gandalf dear? Hmm?

So come around to Orthanc at about four o' clock, maybe two or three days from now. I'll have the tea and the cakes and the leaves ready at all times, so don't worry about being late or anything! Just make sure you come...alone!

Anyway, you know we're

Best friends FOREVER!  
_~Saruman_

* * *

**Elrond  
Rivendell  
02448 Middle-earth  
Arda**

Elrond,

I just escaped from Orthanc. I've included Saruman's "invitation" in this letter, so check it out all you like. But honestly, I had no idea he would've double-timed me like that! That lying, deceitful, atrocious — oh, never mind.

I'm headed to Imladris. Alert Erestor that I'll be landing in an hour or so, and make sure you prepare that Eagle Launching Pad I gave you the last time I visited. You know what happens if you don't prepare; I'm sure Glorfindel and Elrohir still have the scars from my crazy eagle friend to prove it.

Gotta go!  
_~G._

P.S.: Sorry about the state the envelope's in. I was just about to send this off when the stupid eagle did a loop-the-loop over the trees, so I...er...threw up on this thing a little bit. Don't worry, half-digested cupcakes are plenty hygienic to the normal Elf. I think.  
_  
_Yours, etc., etc.,_  
~Gandalf_

* * *

**Gandalf  
****Wherever You Are**  
**99998 Middle-earth**  
**Arda**

Mithrandir,

How many times have I warned you about accepting treats from a strange man, especially a strange man with an evil smile and a dangerous staff? Do I really need to put you on time-out again? Or should I send for Erestor to bring in the Stick? You know you deserve a big punishment, young Maia!

Make sure you head straight home without loafing in the streets! And don't buy or eat anything at the roadway stores, you'll spoil your appetite for dinner. And for the hundredth time, wipe your feet on the mat before entering the house, and please try not to track mud into the house!

_~Elrond_

* * *

**Elladan and Elrohir  
The Road  
99999 Middle-earth  
****Arda**

Guys,

Bad news. I think your father's going paranoid.

_~Gandalf_

* * *

**Gandalf  
Wherever You Are  
99998 Middle-earth  
Arda**

Mithrandir,

Don't be too worried. It's just his age creeping up on him, and remember, he's going through the Empty Nest Syndrome right now. Ada feels all lonely without us two around, and on top of that Arwen's trying to elope with Estel, his only _other _son. Tough, huh?

Could you please try and keep him happy until we come home? We'll pay you up front and everything. If you need it, the bubble wrap is in the second cabinet in the left in Erestor's study, and you'll find the straitjacket in there too if you're really desperate.

Good luck to you,  
_~Elladan and Elrohir_

* * *

**Elladan and Elrohir  
The Road  
99999 Middle-earth  
****Arda**

Guys,

Oh.

_~G._

* * *

Reviews and feedback are always appreciated, thank you!  
**~Enchanted Authoress**


End file.
